When I was pregnant, I put off decorating the Bean’s nursery until the very last minute.  I don’t know why I did this – I know it’s something new moms are supposed to be really excited about, but I just wasn’t.  Maybe it was the superstitious paranoid in me, not wanting to jinx anything.  Or maybe it was just the fact that I was already a procrastinator by nature, who was also enormous and hormonal and cranky and very deep into that “I’m-Pregnant-So-I-Don’t-Have-To” stage. (God, I miss that.)  Take your pick.

 

Anyway, somewhere around the 9-month mark I realized that I had a baby coming in, like, two weeks and hadn’t done any of the Research new moms are supposed to do about Nursery Stuff before actually buying Nursery Stuff.  I knew what color the room was, and that was about it. 

  

My wonderful grandparents bought us a crib as a baby gift, but we had to fill it with a mattress.  Finally sliding into Nursery Decorating Mode, Daddy Bean and I happily skipped off to our new favorite place Babies R Us, thinking we would just pick something up off the rack.  But when we got there we realized it would not be so simple.

 

We stood there in the crib mattress aisle (yes, there is such a thing), perfectly still, staring upward — two tiny mice caught in the gaze of a giant, hungry lion ready to pounce, jaws wide open and mouth watering for a delicious tiny mouse meal.  About twenty different mattresses loomed before us – widely varied in price, firmness, and “other features” like air holes and rubber surfaces.  We were at a complete loss. 

 

So we went home mattress-less.  Intimidated.  Scared.  Frustrated. 

 

I immediately got online and Googled “best crib mattress” only to be presented with about 20,000 pages, none of which told me what I wanted to know.  The shopping-comparison sites told me the prices of things and where to find them, but not why one might be better than the others.  The store sites just wanted us to buy something – anything! – and the customer reviews were too many to sort through, all of varying opinions.  

 

But then I found it.  Who could I trust in this dark hour of need?  Why, Consumer Reports, of course!  Finally, a site that told me what I needed to know:  The Best Crib Mattress Money Can Buy, right there on my computer screen.  It was the safest.  It was the sturdiest.  It was the Most for Your Money.  I knew all of this to be true because Consumer Reports said so. 

 

I found the mattress online (at a discount, no less!  $99 with free shipping!) and bought that sucker quick, before some other expectant mom might catch a clue and snatch it out from under me.  (I don’t think it was actually the last one they had, but the pressure – oh, the pressure – it plays with your mind and makes you think everyone is Out to Get You.)

 

A week went by and a large box containing our magical, perfect Consumer Reports crib mattress appeared at our front door.  Christmas in April!  It was glorious.  We had done it!  See?  This parenting thing was going to be a breeze!

 

Daddy Bean brought it in and opened it up (I was Pregnant-And-Didn’t-Have-To.)  As he pulled it out of the box, we were both a little perplexed.  It looked fine, just a crib mattress, nothing special.  But it was hard.  Really hard.  Like, brick-hard.

 

Daddy Bean unwrapped it and put it on the floor and sat on it.  “THIS is the mattress we got?  It’s so hard!  It’ll be like the Bean is sleeping on a rock!” 

 

“It’s the Best Mattress Money Can Buy.  That’s what Consumer Reports told me!” I cried.  “Consumer Reports said!  Consumer Report said!”

 

“Don’t judge me or I’ll cry!” 

 

I went back to the Site That Knew Everything to make sure I had read it right.  And yes, I had.  This was the mattress.  This was it. 

 

It was hard because it had to be hard. SIDS!  Your baby could die! 

 

SIDS terrified me.  SIDS was an ever-present threat to my unborn child.  SIDS brought out the Mama Bean in me. I would NOT let it take my baby!  (Another post on SIDS to follow soon.)

 

So I went back and told Daddy Bean that yes, in fact, this was the Best Mattress that Money Could Buy.  He was skeptical.  Wanted to take it back and trade it in for a softer version.  I told him to shove it.  I was Pregnant-and-Tired-and-Done-With-This-Whole-Mess and this was what Consumer Reports said.  If he had a problem with it he should call them.

 

So we kept it.  Dropped it into the crib, where it fell like a stone slab.  Tried to pretty it up with cute little fishy sheets.   It was still rock-hard.  Daddy Bean complained bitterly.

 

For more than a year now our Bean has slept on a chunk of boulder.  Once we hit the 9-month mark, I allowed Daddy Bean to place some added padding under the sheet to make it a little bit softer, but not much.  It became a constant struggle to keep Daddy Bean from filling the crib with blankets and quilts, anything soft to make our Little Bean more comfortable. 

 

Little Bean really could not have cared less.  He slept just fine.  He started sleeping through the night at around 11 weeks, and never looked back.  He’s only NOT slept through a single night since then.  The mattress matters not.

 

But it matters to Daddy Bean, and I guess it matters to me now, too.  More so now that the Bean has passed the one-year mark, and the evil threat of SIDS no longer looms large over me like a giant spider with a web already wrapped around a mess of dead babies, just waiting for its chance to snatch mine. 

 

Daddy Bean has asked many times, “If a rock-hard mattress is the only thing that can keep your baby safe from SIDS, why are so many crib mattresses on the market that aren’t rock-hard?  Wouldn’t those companies get sued for killing babies?”  It’s a fair question.  I don’t know the answer.  I just keep repeating my mantra, “Consumer Reports said! Connnnnsuuuuumer Reeepoooooorts…. saaaaaiiiiid…” over and over, my voice becoming weaker as time has marched on.

 

We’ll soon buy a new mattress.  I’m less worried about SIDS now and more worried about my 13-month-old’s new habit of arching his back and throwing himself backwards when he sees something he doesn’t like.  If he goes back like that in his crib, he could crack his head open on that granite block.  Okay, maybe it’s not THAT hard, but it would hurt like the dickens, I know that much.

 

The Moral of This Story?  Well, the Bean didn’t suffocate in his crib or die of SIDS.  I don’t know if that happy fact can be attributed directly to his hard-as-nails Consumer Reports Best Crib Mattress Money Can Buy, but I like to think that I single-handedly saved his life by sticking to my guns. 

 

However, the next mattress will be considerably softer.  The search has already begun.